


Hux

by nimiumcaelo



Category: Catch-22 - Joseph Heller, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, First Meetings, Gen, Hux as General Peckem, Hux being pompous, Ren as Colonel Schiesskopf, Ren being an ass, makes more sense if you read it that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:04:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: "Baylor was right. They were indeed sending everyone onto those accursed ships, even Kylo Ren, who had resisted the move with all the vigor and wisdom at his command and who reported for duty as General Hux's office in a mood of grave discontent."





	Hux

**Author's Note:**

> I basically just re-wrote a bit from chapter 29 of _Catch-22_ so, obviously, this isn't really mine. Anyway, enjoy ~

“What about the tours?” Kylo Ren broke in.  
“What tours?” inquired General Hux with a feeling that his polish just wasn’t getting across.  
“Won’t I be able to tour the ship, inspiring fear in the hearts of the officers every Thursday afternoon?” Kylo demanded petulantly.  
“No. Of course not. What ever gave you that idea?”  
“But he said I could.”  
“Who said you could?”  
“The Supreme Leader. He told me I’d be able to scare people all I wanted to.”  
“The Supreme Leader lied to you.”  
“That wasn’t fair.”  
“I’m sorry, Ren. I’m willing to do everything I can to make you happy here, but interrupting the work schedules of my officers is out of the question. We don’t have enough time in the day to waste it all with you scaring people and, besides, the stormtroopers would rise up in open rebellion if we tried to make them put up with you for more than an hour. I’m afraid you’ll just have to hold back awhile until we get control. Then you can do what you want with touring the ship.”  
“What about my grandfather’s mask?” Kylo demanded with disgruntled suspicion. “I’ll still be able to send for it, won’t I?”  
“Your grandfather’s mask? Why in the world should you want to?”  
“A Sith and his inspiration should be together.”  
“That’s out of the question also.”  
“But Snoke said I could send for it!”  
“He lied to you again.”  
“He had no right to lie to me!” Kylo protested, his eyes wetting with indignation.  
“Of course he had a right,” General Hux snapped with cold and calculated severity, resolving right then and there to test the mettle of his new co-commander under fire. “Don’t be such an ass, Ren. People have a right to do anything that’s not forbidden by law, and there’s no law against lying to you. Now, don’t ever waste my time with such sentimental platitudes again. Do you hear?”  
“Yes,” murmured Kylo.  
Kylo wilted pathetically, and General Hux cursed the fates that had sent him a sappy wuss for a co-commander. A man of steel would have been wonderful, but alas. Having won, General Hux relented. He enjoyed humiliating his men, but he just wasn’t in the mood this time. “If your mask was classified as a rare historical item, I could probably have it transferred here. But that’s the most I can do.”  
“It’s been in the family for years,” Kylo offered hopefully.  
“I’m afraid that isn’t good enough. Have a form filled out if you want, and I’ll bring it over here. But in the meantime, my dear co-commander, let’s get back to our little war, if we may. Here, briefly, is the military situation that confronts us.” General Hux rose and moved toward a holographic rotary rack of enormous monochromatic maps.  
Kylo blanched. “We’re not going into combat, are we?” he blurted out in horror.  
“Oh, no, of course not,” General Hux assured him indulgently, with a companionable laugh. “Please give me some credit, won’t you? That’s why we’re still down here in this quadrant. Certainly, I’d like to be up in the middle of the action, too, where I could keep in closer touch with our ground forces. But Kitel Phard is still a bit too near the actual fighting to suit me.” General Hux lifted a metal pointer and swept the tip cheerfully across the inner rim from one end to the other. “These, Ren, are the Rebels. They’re dug into these planets very solidly and won’t be pushed out till late next spring, although that isn’t going to stop those clods we have down below from trying. That gives us in high command almost nine months to achieve our objective. And that objective is to capture every First Order base in the colonies. After all,” said General Hux with his high, twittering chuckle, “if dropping bombs on the enemy isn’t a high command, I wonder what in the world is. Don’t you agree?” Kylo gave no indication that he did agree, but General Hux was already too entranced with his own loquacity to notice. “Our position right now is excellent. Reinforcements like yourself keep arriving, and we have  more than enough time to plan our entire strategy carefully. Our immediate goal,” he said, “is right here.” And General Hux swung his pointer south to Phu and tapped it significantly upon a large word that had been printed on there in bluish, glowing letters. The word was Datoo.  
Kylo, squinting, moved very close to the map, and for the first time since he entered the room a light of comprehension shed a dim glow over his pasty face. “I think I understand,” he exclaimed. “Yes, I know I understand. Our first job is to capture Datoo away from the enemy. Right?”  
General Hux laughed benignly. “No, Ren. Datoo’s on our side, and Datoo is the enemy. General Datoo commands four bomb groups that we simply must capture in order to continue our offensive. Conquering General Datoo will give us the aircraft and vital bases we need to carry our operations into other areas. And that battle, by the way, is just about own.” General Hux drifted toward the viewport, laughing quietly again, and settled back against the edge of the wall with his arms folded, greatly satisfied by his own wit and by his knowledgeable, base impudence. The skilled choice of words he was exercising was exquisitely titillating. General Hux liked listening to himself talk, liked most of all listening to himself talk about himself. “General Datoo simply doesn’t know how to cope with me,” he gloated. “I keep invading his jurisdiction with comments and criticisms that are really none of my business, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. When he accuses me of seeking to undermine him, I merely answer that my only purpose in calling attention to his errors is to strengthen our war effort by eliminating inefficiency. Then I ask him innocently if he’s opposed to improving our war effort. Oh, he grumbles and he bristles and he bellows, but he’s really quite helpless. He’s simply out of style. He’s turning into quite a souse, you know. The poor blockhead shouldn’t even be a general. He has no tone, no tone at all. I thank my lucky stars he isn’t going to last.” General Hux chuckled with jaunty relish and sailed smoothly along toward a favorite learned allusion. “I sometimes think of myself as Zdenka – ha, ha – in the play Orainn by Kennex Anjek, who just keeps circling and circling around the action until everything else falls apart, and then strolls in at the end to pick up all the pieces for himself. Anjek is – “  
“I don’t konw anything about plays,” Kylo broke in bluntly.  
General Hux looked at him with amazement. Never before had a reference of his to Kennex Anjek’s hallowed play Orainn been ignored and trampled upon with such rude indifference. He began to wonder with genuine concern just what sort of shithead the Supreme Leader had foisted on him. “What do you know about?” he asked acidly.  
“The Force,” answered Kylo eagerly. “Will I be able to scare people with the Force?”  
“As long as you don’t interrupt anyone’s work.” General Hux returned to his chair still wearing a frown. “And as long as they don’t interfere with your main assignment of recommending to the Supreme Leader that my jurisdiction be expanded.”  
“Can I use the Force to make people work without being able to control it?”  
General Hux brightened instantly. “Why, that’s a wonderful idea! But just make them think their being manipulated. Don’t even bother to manipulate them. That would be infinitely more disconcerting.” General Hux was blossoming spryly with cordiality again. “Yes, Ren,” he said, “I think you’ve really hit on something. After all, what commander could possibly quarrel with us for not actually manipulating people? We’d merely be stating a comforting fact. But the implication is beautiful. Yes, positively beautiful. We’re implying that we could manipulate them if we chose to. I’m going to like you, Ren. Stop in and introduce yourself to Captain Phasma and tell her what you’re up to. I know you two will hate each other.”  
Captain Phasma came storming into General Hux’s office a minute later in a furor of timid resentment. “I’ve been here longer than Ren,” she complained. “Why can’t I be the one to scare people?”  
“Because Ren can use the Force and you can’t. You can scare the stormtroopers all you want. In fact, why don’t you? Just think of all the ways you can threaten them even without the Force. Think of all the ways you can pick them apart and rip their entrails from them. Yes, Phasma, I think you’ve hit on something. I think you’ve just thrown open a whole new area of operation for yourself. Tell Ren I want him to work with you to scare as many of these people as possible without actually doing anything to them. And send him in to see me when you’re through telling him that.”  
“Captain Phasma says you told her you want me to work along under her supervision on threatening the stormtroopers,” Kylo complained.  
“I told her no such thing,” answered General Hux. “Confidentially, Ren, I’m not too happy with Captain Phasma. She’s bossy and she’s slow. I’d like you to keep a close eye on what she’s doing and see if you can’t get a little more work out of her.”  
“He keeps butting in,” Phasma protested. “He won’t let me get any work done.”  
“There’s something very funny about Ren,” General Hux agreed reflectively. “Keep a very close eye on him and see if you can’t find out what he’s up to.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
